Time Flies....

Caleb is 16 months today. WOW.... though I have not been present for his entire life, I'd like to think that it's quality over quantity. Though I did not give birth to this beautiful little boy (and he's probably so gorgeous for that reason alone!) I'd like to think that I've had to endure the same feelings and emotions that any mother has when she learns that something is different with her baby. Since such a falsified picture was painted of Caleb prior to his placement with me, I feel like I've had to go through the same stages of acceptance as any biological mother does. Of course, it doesn't make me love him any less (if anything, I love him more!) but all the plans I had have had to be altered and the direction our life was headed has just taken a much different direction. I wouldn't necessarily say that it's worse, just different.... unexpected.

Caleb is truly a joy to care for. He has the best little personality and is so funny and easily amused. Some of our best moments together are when I'm preparing and hooking up his TPN... it doesn't even feel like work majority of the time because he just fills the entire experience with such happiness. Okay, not all the time, but most of the time. There will always be nights that I just DON'T feel like mixing all of it up and purging that darn bag and so help me if the machine starts beeping, but those days are becoming few and far between.

I have no idea if I've been experiencing the grieving process from learning the truth about Caleb's future and what's in store for us, but that's what it feels like. When I lost my first son, I bought every book at Barnes & Noble about losing a child and how to cope with such indescribable pain. I felt like no one understood what I was going through and quite frankly, I had no idea what I was going through. All I know is that it hurt.... badly. One thing I learned about the grieving process is that although there are stages, no one goes through them in the same exact order. Right now, I feel really confident in my ability to care for Caleb and to ensure that I'm doing everything possible to make sure he has every opportunity to achieve. I'm focusing on the positives: 37 days out of the hospital, he's waving "bye bye" now, he's starting to tolerate a TAD bit of vanilla Elecare by mouth and is showing an interest in applesauce, he's so close to crawling that it's scary, he's being brave and exploring his surroundings more, his feeds are running strong and steady, his throwing up has decreased a little, despite the fact that I gave him an AWFUL haircut, it will grow back, and the best--- every time I pick him up, he gives me a hug. I know there will be ups & downs, but I can only hope that the ups start outweighing the downs.

"While we try to teach our children about life, our children teach us what life is all about." -Unknown


He is my little Romeo!


Wearing a hat, to cover up the awful haircut I gave him!